The Writer in Me

I decided I wanted to be a writer while sitting on a boat circling Manhattan. I was on holiday in the US en route to a new life in London. I was twenty-one years old. I’d just finished university in Sydney. I didn’t have the slightest idea what to do with my life.

New York City had always been a place I dreamt about. My greatest passion is movies and I’d seen NYC many, many times onscreen. I longed to be amongst the bright lights and see the beautiful city with my very own eyes. I was desperate to walk those streets and stand at the top of The Empire State Building, just like Meg and Tom in Sleepless in Seattle. ;-) So being in NYC was a real-life dream come true for this small town girl.

My world was opening. I was naïve and idealistic, and I could see my life spread out before me with unlimited possibilities waiting for me to grab them. It was a gloriously sunny day and I was gliding along the Hudson River with the ‘city of dreams’ beside me, and that’s when it happened. It just popped into my head.        I could be a writer.   

It wasn’t such a crazy idea. I’d always been a bookworm, and I studied English literature at university. Sure I could be a writer, I thought. How hard could it be?

Of course writing is not easy. Had that twenty-one year old known what she was letting herself in for she probably would have run in the opposite direction! Sure there are days when I sit at my desk ala Carrie Bradshaw and the ideas flow ever so sweetly from my mind to my fingers and onto the page. But there are also days where I’d rather do anything else, and actually getting the words out is pure torture.

And yet, writing remains. Ever since that moment on the boat in NYC, I’ve been a writer. It took a while for me to call myself one, and years for me to grow the confidence to put my work out into the world. But I did it. And I continue to do it.    I am a writer.

Looking back I realise the creative urge had always been there. Writing had been a source of support for me during many a teenage drama. I’d kept journals throughout my teens and my first broken heart had inspired me to write poetry and short stories (I filled notebooks with stories about him changing his mind and declaring his undying love!) Writing was therapeutic for me. It was where I made sense of what was happening in my life. And as the years have passed from that initial spark of ‘I could be a writer’, writing has allowed me to work out who I am and what I want from life.

Writing fiction in particular is a fascination because I like creating characters and then watching as their behaviour unfolds. Fiction allows me to take those real-life moments I may have witnessed or experienced and turn them into something different. Something straight out of my imagination! :-)

Seeing my novel Run to Me being read by others reminds me just how far I’ve come from that initial spark of an idea. No matter where my future writing life might take me, every time I think back on that moment in New York City I will be grateful for that twenty-one year old me who decided to be a writer and who threw herself so fearlessly into being one. Without her bravery I may never have discovered the joy a creative life can bring. And I wouldn’t be sitting here writing these very words.

** I was just in NYC again a month ago – I was lucky to miss Superstorm Sandy. My heart goes out to those New Yorkers who lost loved ones during the storm, and my thoughts are with the city as it recovers. **

Self-validation

While studying writing at university, one of my teachers announced that his first novel was to be published soon. I congratulated him, of course, and then I said “it must be great to be validated.” I didn’t say it was great for his work to be validated, but for him to be.  Years later I found myself reminiscing about that day and I realised just how mistaken I’d been – validation doesn’t come from winning the approval of others. It’s something we must all find within ourselves.

I’ve always suffered from a lack of confidence. I imagine it was even there the moment I was born, because it’s been my constant companion as far back as I can remember. For some unknown reason I’ve never felt completely comfortable being me. Growing up, (especially once adolescence hit) I often hid my true self from others, convinced that I had very little to offer. I actually started to believe that my own worth was not as important as everyone else’s. I put other people’s needs ahead of my own and I desperately searched for a way to validate my own existence. It never once occurred to me that I was already enough.

So you see, when I decided to become a writer I had already placed a great expectation upon it. I believed that once an editor agreed to publish my work, I would finally find the approval I so needed. Once everyone else loved me, I reasoned, I would then be able to love myself.

When agents and publishers rejected my novel I took it personally. I wasn’t able to separate myself from my work. It wasn’t my work they didn’t like, it was me. Or so I believed. Whatever amount of joy and self-worth my writing had slowly begun to foster in me fragmented with each rejection. My confidence took yet another beating. I pursued other interests and let my writing slide away.

In hindsight, this self-imposed hiatus from writing would prove to be just what I needed. Without the pressure to prove myself, I was able to step back and take a long hard look at the person I was allowing myself to be. I’d had enough of disapproval and criticism. I decided to focus on my strengths, and I realised that my weaknesses didn’t make me any less worthy than others. My weaknesses were a part of me, but I would not let them define me.

As I was doing all this soul-searching a transformation was occurring in the publishing world as well. Independent authors were choosing to publish their own books, as the growth of print-on-demand and ebook technologies were making this a very real possibility. I re-evaluated why I had chosen to become a writer in the first place and was reminded of my simple desire to create. I discovered I was no longer desperate for external validation. Now I wanted to validate myself, by focussing on my goal to be a published author and using my skills to achieve it.

I realised my achievements weren’t reliant on someone out there giving me a break and saying yes to my work. It was up to me to say yes to myself! So I self-published my novel, and now it sits proudly on my shelf. What joy to hold my novel in my hands, as a finished product, knowing that it all came down to me. I have achieved my dream to be a published novelist, all because I gave myself permission to approve of my own creative work. Freed from the shackles of my computer hard drive, my novel is out there living its life. And people are reading it. That’s an added bonus! :-) 

 

As for me, I learnt a valuable lesson. To validate oneself, rather than waiting for others to do it for you, is very empowering. It’s allowed me to succeed in the only way that really matters – I’m now proud to be me.     

Valentine's Day Love Creations

Happy Valentine's Day!

I can't think of a better day to sit down and make some new Love Creations, so that's exactly what I've done.

Wall Hanging Love -



Mini Canvas & Easel Love -

Look! Even the shadow in the photo above is shaped like a love heart! :-)

Love Creations

I'm still busy making Love Creations. Here are some more:

Felt Love Heart -


Cross Stitch Puppy Love -


Watercolour Love -


Sticker Garden of Love -


Felt Love -


Origami Tulip and Horse - (I love tulips and horses!)

Love Creations

After a very successful trip to Hobby Craft on Monday I've been busy creating things. I'm enjoying it so much! I feel like a kid again. That's a good thing, right? ;-)

Here are a few of my crafty love creations...

Love Heart Mosaic - pre-grout:

post-grout:

Random Love Creation with origami hearts, ribbon and buttons:


Origami Heart art -

These origami hearts were made by my wonderful sister, mum and girlfriends during my Hen's night back in June. I wanted to use them to create an artwork so I could always see them and be reminded of how amazing all the women in my life are, and how grateful I am for their friendship. Thanks ladies!

Love Creations

After a long talk with a very wise friend of mine (thanks K!), I've decided that writing need not be my only creative outlet. There is more creative potential in me folks, it's just a matter of allowing myself to tap into it! :-) So with that in mind I'm going to let myself create just for the fun of it, in whichever medium I so desire. And the theme of these new creations will be love, because....well...why not?! Everybody loves love, right? I know I do! :-)

I want to bring the joy back into creation. I want to create for creation's sake. Like when I was a kid and I drew endless pictures of horses, or I made a cross-stitch bunny for my mum, or I made a fabric loveheart-shaped photo frame for my dad. Remember craft? It was a joy, and it didn't matter whether it was 'good' or 'bad', it was enough that I'd created something in the first place.

So here's my first 'love creation': Candy Love! I took all the rock candy and chocolates I still have left over from our wedding favours (they make you buy these things in packs of 100!) and I made a little something.


I'm also working on a cross-stitch picture which I will post about once it's all done. And I feel a trip to Hobby Craft is on the cards! :-) Who knows what I'll come up with? Stay tuned...

Musings on Creativity, with a little help from Elizabeth Gilbert

In the space of a week I have, quite literally, devoured two books by the wonderfully talented and inspirational writer Elizabeth Gilbert. Those of you who are familiar with the phenomenon that was Elizabeth’s memoir Eat, Pray, Love will recognise her name. She is a brilliant writer, an extraordinary woman, and someone I felt a kinship with from the very first moment I read her words. This kinship is not because we are both writers. What made me recognise my connection to Elizabeth Gilbert was the way we view the act of writing itself, the creative process, and how closely it links with divinity.

All artists, across all disciplines, often speak of an entity or thing that resides outside of themselves, a thing that helps their creative projects, that provides inspiration and, sometimes, drops the fully-formed work of art directly into their minds. Artists have described experiences whereby they feel they have become a channel through which art and creativity are manifested into our physical reality. I have felt this myself. When I am in the ‘zone’, you could say, when my writing is flowing from my mind down through my fingers and onto the page with almost lightening speed, I know that something else is working through me. Something outside of me is helping me, nudging me along.

As I’ve continued to develop both my writing and my spiritual life over the last few years, I’ve come to realise that these two aspects of life can not be separated. In fact, as Julia Cameron talks about so passionately in The Artist’s Way, art and creative pursuits are a spiritual process. Being an artist is a direct link to the divine. Artists work with the divine to create works of art. That’s the beauty of a creative life.

In a video I discovered on You Tube, Elizabeth Gilbert gives a thought-provoking speech about her belief that the artist is not a genius, rather the artist has a genius – that entity or thing that resides outside of them but who offers support and guidance during the act of creation. Elizabeth discusses this idea with reference to ancient Greece and Rome, where people believed creativity came from another source, not from human beings. “People believed that creativity was this divine attendant spirit that came to human beings from some distant and unknowable source.” The Romans called this “sort of disembodied creative spirit a genius.” The genius was the entity that provided creative inspiration to assist the artist in their work. Elizabeth goes on to say that during the Renaissance, when the human being became the centre of everything, “above all gods and mysteries”, people began to refer to specific artists as being a genius, instead of having a genius. This put a lot of pressure on one individual and “creates all these unmanageable expectations about performance.”

As a writer, I sometimes suffer from crippling self-doubt; it seems to come with the territory. I do not consider myself a genius, far from it. But I do feel pressure to write something brilliant, to prove my abilities. Yet something I have learnt of late, and something that Elizabeth Gilbert’s speech has given substance to, is that my only requirement as a writer is to turn up to the page and to write. That’s my job; to turn up, to commit to writing, and then to get out of the way. Because if any kind of creative energy is going to come through me from the divine source, the ‘genius’, that is waiting in the wings to assist me, I must be, first and foremost, open to it. When I step out of the way, stop trying so hard, stop trying to write the most perfect sentence ever constructed (which I say is an expectation placed on a lot of writers, even if only by their own egos) then a true act of creation can occur.

What Elizabeth Gilbert is saying in her speech was informed by the situation she found herself in, after the monumental success of Eat, Pray, Love, as she was trying to write her next work, with a world’s expectations on her shoulders. Would she ever write something good again? Could she ever top that success? And that’s when she realised; to have “the sheer human love and stubbornness to keep showing up”, to continue to write was all she could do. Writers live a creative life; we must turn up to the page. But creativity itself is not something that comes from the self, from the individual. Creativity is larger, grander, than mere human existence. Creativity is spiritual, it comes from the divine.

If you feel so inclined, and have a spare twenty minutes, watch Elizabeth’s speech –

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86x-u-tz0MA&feature=related

The Creator in Me

May proved to be a very inspirational month for me, both in my writing and my spiritual life. It began with the Reiki training I completed over two weekends to become a Reiki Master/Teacher. Not only was this a blessed gathering of five beautiful and inspiring women, it was the realisation of a goal I set for myself some two years ago, not long after I’d studied Reiki 2. For those reasons, it was a powerful experience – I was surrounded by love and unwavering support from my fellow students and my amazing teacher, and I was fulfilling a dream. What a blessing!

But the blessings didn’t stop there. In fact, as is always the case with Reiki – the course is only the beginning. The real journey is what follows, as the energy body shifts to release old blocks and stale patterns that only hold us back. Since finishing the course I have felt much more connected to the creator in me – the artistic, creative person that resides deep in my heart. She’s probably that same little girl I once was who loved to spend time drawing or writing or playing the piano. I’ve managed to hold onto the writing well into adulthood, but admittedly the others have fallen away. And yet she’s still inside me, the little artist, and now I’ve opened myself up to commune with her again. Through strengthening my connection to Reiki, my connection to my true self has pushed to the forefront. I’m ready to embrace the artist in me!

Once I’d put this intention out into the universe it should have come as no surprise – as of course it didn’t – that opportunities would present themselves and I would be guided to shake the cobwebs from my artist self and get proactive. So now I find myself out of writer’s block and in to free flowing creative expression. It’s a wonder I can keep the smile off my face, as any writer knows - overcoming the debilitating writer’s block, whether self-imposed or not, is like seeing the sun shining after a long dull winter. There is no better feeling for any artist than the act of creation, in whatever medium. For me, it gives me not only a focus, a direction and a sense of purpose, it also allows me to feel as free as I can be. When I’m creating, I just work better – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That elusive equilibrium I wrote about in my last post seems entirely within my grasp. In fact, I’m living in balance every single day, so long as I don’t deny the artist in me. She’s got a loud voice, and she must be heard.

I am also nurturing my artist self in two new ways, things that have been in my life’s periphery for many, many months, and which I have now both the courage and opportunity to attempt. In two weeks I will be starting a weekly drawing class to encourage the little artistic girl I once was to make an appearance in this adult me. And I am also setting up a collaboration blog with my wonderfully talented sister who is a photographer. She’ll take pictures and I’ll write some flash fiction. Two artists coming together to create. Wow, another blessing!

And so the inspirational month ended, in a small village during a trip to Yorkshire; I visited what was once the home of the Brontë family. I knew the Brontë sisters to have been authors, but on the walls of their home I saw fabulous art works by Charlotte – she was a creative entity, a true artist whose creative expression, it would seem, was her purpose in life. As I stood staring at her accomplished drawings I knew I owed it to all those magnificent, inspirational, artistic women who have gone before me, to not let fear hold me back from self-expression.

I am an artist, after all. The creator in me sings proud and true.

"I'm just going to write because I cannot help it."
- Charlotte Brontë